By D. Bob Sauer

It’s always been astonishing to me just how complicated and potentially perilous the dating/mating game has become.  Has this ever happened in your world: you meet someone new, they seem really nice and you go out for a romantic dinner?  You talk, you laugh, and you feel somehow magically connected. She agrees to go back to your place for a couple drinks and that’s where the enchantment comes to a crashing halt.  For some reason, your elbow feel like they’re tied together with a tube sock, you fade to b lack and when you wake up three hours later, you’re face down on the bathroom floor with no feeling in your legs and your eyes are crusted shut.  Well, I can tell you it’s happened to me – like three times – since last May.  Hi folks, Dangerous Bob here with another tale from the dark side of same species dating.

That date, for all intents and purposes, did turn, obviously, quite perilous.  It did not get dangerous because her husband found out (although that did add a wrinkle or two).  Real danger entered into the equation when I found out the woman was a professional gymnast.  She whispered to me at the very beginning that she had enormous athletic dexterity.  I screamed to her at the end that she’s a freakish whore.

Gymnasts, by definition, perform acrobatic feats on a special apparatus that demonstrates strength, balance, and body control.  Fair enough.  But guess what she used as her special apparatus.  Yup, me. To be honest, initially I felt OK with the prospect of a gymnastic tryst because after all, I excelled at tumbling in junior high and I studied the Kama Sutra extensively in college.  None of that, it turns out, prepared me for this ferociously nimble and sadistically agile she-wolf.  She forced me into a variety of seemingly inhuman positions that I found not just uncomfortable but downright excruciating both physically and emotionally.  To my credit I hung in there to the end of her routine but I can now say with horrifying confidence what it means when a sports commentator says, “she sure owned that pummel horse tonight, and after an electrifying dismount, she certainly stuck that landing with authority”.

Since then I’ve had several orthopedic doctors and spine specialists tell me that it’s likely I’ll walk again, but I’ll probably pull to the left.  My pelvis will heal, my shoulder blades will re-align, and it’s just a matter of time until my knee caps re-emerge from where ever the hell they ended up.  Long term, however, I do face the prospect of a lifetime of wearing corrective socks.  Additionally, I’ve been referred to a board certified aroma therapist to help me get rid of the persistent stench on my torso that I can only describe as a foul combination of white bass, baby powder, expired yogurt blend that doesn’t seem to wash off.  Was my gymnast adventure worth it you ask? In hindsight- kinda.

Neenah 911 – a frantic call was made to Neenah police dispatcher Bonnie Clyde around 0200-ish on August 12 to report a man in a silver Toyota driving erratically and acting potentially suicidal.  Four squad cars were summoned to intercept the vehicle on Breeze wood Lane and they made contact just west of the Hwy 41 overpass.  A four hour, 360 degree high-speed chase ensued in one of the city’s new round-abouts.  The four Neenah police prowlers and the Toyota Prius reached speeds in excess of 80 miles per hour as they whirled around and around and around inside the perfectly circular intersection.  The chase finally ended when, one by one, the squad cars ran out of gas.  The hybrid Prius, with its superior fuel economy was, at that time, capable of escaping but the driver surrendered to authorities because he was “just too dizzy to continue”.

A local resident, Randy Bohner, was a witness at the scene and watched the motorized mayhem for over an hour along with a handful of neighbors.  “It was actually pretty cool,” he said.  “It had the simple-minded, moronic lunacy of NASCAR with the scary creepiness of a carnival ride.  I loved it.  I think we all did.  They should do this every Thursday.”

Officers subdued the suspect, arrested him on suspicion of conspiracy to take his own life and promptly jailed him under a strict 24-hour suicide watch.  The man, whose name has not been release, is still in custody and was issued the standard NPD suicide supply kit.  That kit,(referred to by jail staffers wistfully as the “Pak-o-Kevorkian”) includes an airtight pillow case, pre-shredded cotton bed sheet, 8 feet of rope, a wobbly chair, two razor blades and a starkly detailed, 3D interactive map of the human circulatory system.

Asked for a comment, Neenah Police Chief K. Leo “Mel” Batfish said with a playful wink and a nod, “Looks to me like we got us a live one this time.”

The copious amount of rain that has fallen on the upper mid-west this summer has caused, from time to time, unprecedented flooding, especially in urban areas.  Television footage in Milwaukee chronicled hapless citizens awkwardly flailing around, swimming extremely poorly between stranded cars trying to get back to their tenement housing.  Those kinds of scenes reveal one of the realities of growing up and living in the big city.  About the only chance kids in the inner city get for swim lessons is when the streets flood or there’s a simultaneous flush at Miller Park causing the sewers to back up again. Fortunately, I grew up in a rural area and we were taught survival swimming at a very early age. For example, in my case, I could swim before I could walk.  At the age of 7 months old I was swimming unassisted.  Every morning my dad would take me to the lake behind our house and toss me in. From the very get-go I could swim back to shore with very little effort.  Actually, swimming was the easy part.  Getting out of the gunny sack he had me tied into was kind of a bitch.  Thoughtfully, dad put enough rocks in the bag so I’d sink quickly and not drift out too far.

Ah, the fond, sweet memories of childhood.

Next Issue:  Sex with miners.  How safe is safe enough in a coal mine?

Another Smack on the Kisser:  Here Comes Sweet Lips

Just when you thought it was safe to pucker up – here comes Sweet Lips – again! The much celebrated central Wisconsin comedy troupe is back for yet another reunion tour – much to the delight of its legions of faithful fans across the state.  It occurs to me that Sweet Lips may have come out of retirement more times than the Eagles.  I asked troupe founder Dennis Sutliff if they re-grouped just for the money and the chicks or is there a deep-seeded, inherent creative drive and passion for comedic expression that compels them to perform on the road again.  He stated flatly, “Nah, it’s basically the bucks and the babes.  Apparently, you’ve got to get off your bar stool every now and then to score.”

I don’t think Don Henley could have said it any better.

If you’ve never seen Sweet Lips – here’s my take on them: try to picture a show that could result from a beer-fueled, 3-way naked comedy wrestling match between Monty Python, Firesign Theater, and Second City all being refereed by Jonathon Winters and a yooper.  No matter what the concoction, it’s a formula that’s worked for over 25 years.

This fall’s tour is tentatively titled “WHOEVER SAID LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE NEVER HAD A YEAST INFECTION” (hell, I’ll go just to see that on the marquee) and will be playing a limited number of venues across the state.  Sutliff and fellow founder Pat Enright promise the show will include some of their favorite sketch and musical parodies as well as the group’s special brand of improv and visceral lampooning.  New skits and tunes were written to add topical satire.

Just like chicken pox and marriage, everyone should experience this at least once.  If you get the chance, check it out.  Who knows, they could really be serious about hanging it up after this one.  All shows are open to the public and some that are scheduled in our area include (reservations not necessary but are recommended):

Saturday October 9, 2010:
Moose Lodge, Green Bay
(920) 494 – 7939 (cocktails available)
Friday October 15, 2010:
Waupaca Ale House, Waupaca
(715) 942 – 2424 (cocktails available)

Saturday October 30, 2010: Northland Sports Bar and Grill, Northland (Hwy 49 North of Iola) (715) 677 – 3491 (Dinner and Cocktails available)

For more info visit: sweetlipstheatercompany.com

July 2010: White trash surprise

Hey yo, ‘sup ‘yaw?  I’m Dangerous Bob, and it’s good to be back as part of the SCENE-ery.

I’ll tell you what’s up with me. I don’t believe you have to be a dangerous person to live dangerously. I am not, for example, (necessarily) an imminent threat to society, but I do embrace elements of danger in my life.

One of these elements, and not one I’m particularly proud of by the way, is my attraction to tough, dangerous looking and moderately unclean white trash. The most recent example of this is my preoccupation with a chick who works a kiosk at the mall.  She is one tough cookie – I can tell.

She rides a Harley, she rolls her own tampons, and she has, let’s say, an overabundance of body piercings. Both her ears are lined inside and out with various springs and BBs. She shaved her eyebrows and replaced them with neat little rows of staples. She has a bolt through her nose, complete with lock washer and wing nut, and her lips and tongue support a variety of dog bone and ball bearing studs. She has two fully-functioning stainless steel zippers on her neck, and based on all the noise it makes when she walks, I’m guessing she’s packing some pretty serious hardware in her “nipular” region. I bet her face alone could jam Russian radar.

I’m in love with this freak, and she doesn’t even know I’m alive. I can’t seem to get her attention, and it’s making me nuts.

For the record, I never finished my PhD in vector mechanics, but I think I’ve finally figured out a way to get this heavy metal hottie attracted to me. I have a plan, and here it is:

One of these days at lunch time I’m going to approach her in the Café Court. I’m going to have a little smile on my face and a big-ass magnet in my pants. If my calculations are correct, at about four and a half feet, she should come slamming into my lap. Fatal attraction? Perhaps.

You know, it seems that I can’t kneel forward to tie my shoes or bend over to grab the latest issue of the SCENE from a news stand without getting queried from behind by someone who is wondering about the status of the investigation into an area shooting death. Specifically, a local law enforcement agency has still not ruled on a weeks’ old case: whether a citizen found shot to death is a murder or suicide because they have not yet found the gun.

Some of our readers, as well as me, find this peculiarly funny and a tad askew. Well, I’m pleased to report that this case is being provided the special scrutiny it deserves in the form of a special investigative panel. A unit of elite gumshoes is working under the direction of a detective whose resume is long and celebrated.  
While I cannot reveal the officer’s name, I can tell you he is the same chief investigator who cracked the Sheboygan brat factory worker death case back in ’08. As many of you may recall, a man was found next to an inedible grease dumpster disfigured and quite dead. That death was finally ruled a suicide after it was determined that the distraught man chopped off both his own hands, hid the cleaver, and then strangled himself. Looks like we might finally get some closure to this case too, enso?

On a lighter note, both Bic and Zippo Incorporated in partnership with British Petroleum have announced a program that will provide free recharging of their famous lighter brands starting immediately. Simply bring all low or empty combustion devices to any marsh or bayou along the southern coast of the U.S. Service technicians will be on duty to assist you 24 hours a day for the next 700 years or so. Plus, if you refill 10 or more lighters before the next oil spill you’ll receive one of two bonus prizes. Select either:
1.    A set of patio-ready Snipe Tiki Torches
or
2.    Comubsta-Gull charcoal starter kits
Supplies are definitely not limited.

OK, so we took some quasi-comedic liberty with the Gulf Coast tragedy for the sole purpose of trying to fill this page. It’s probably appropriate to have a moment of silence for the devastated ecosystem, wildlife and people of that region.

That’s enough. Since we’re coming out of our brief quiet time, let’s talk seriously about being funny. Are you the meeting cut up? Can you crack wise in almost any situation? Do you precisely time your ripping/tearing sound effects as a waitress bends over?

Maybe you should test your comedy mettle and find out for sure how engorged your funny bone really is. Yep, check out an open mic night at a local club or tavern.  
Do this: practice 6 or 8 of your favorite jokes, grow some stones, and take center stage. I dare you. Getting 45+ strangers to laugh is a lot tougher than getting guffaws out of your softball team after a round of shots and 16 pitchers. These open mic opportunities, plus others, are out there weekly:
Mondays:
Déjà Vu, Appleton
Comedy Quarter, Neenah
Tuesdays:
New Moon Café, Oshkosh
Tanner’s, Kimberly
Thursdays:
Harmony Café, Appleton
Hide-A-Way Tavern, Appleton
Saint James, Town of Menasha

Plus, many karaoke jocks will usually accommodate brave souls.

It’s prudent to give you a nickel’s worth of free advice about the equipment on stage. Actually, the equipment list is short:
The microphone stand
The microphone

The microphone itself should be in a position that is adjacent to the part of you that talks. If the microphone is too high you’ll be on your tip toes talking and looking up as if you’re a peeper at a first floor college dorm. If the microphone is too low you’ll be all bent over, clutching the mic with both hands and looking more like you’re auditioning for Brazilian porn and less like you’re doing comedy.

Most microphone stands allow the upper column to slide – albeit with some frictional resistance. Just push or pull to the appropriate length. Older styles still rely on the knurled loosening devise about halfway down (remember “Lefty Lucy/Righty Tidy”).

Or, of course, if it’s more your style, take the microphone off the stand and walk and talk. The caveats, however, include that you not pace too slow and deliberate or you’ll appear to be taking a midnight centerline sobriety test on County CB. Walking too fast and nervously could remind some folks of a certain whore in church.
But, the important thing to remember is to stay relaxed, be brave, and you will be funny. Seriously.

Next issue:  One theory why “Lobsters on your piano” isn’t funny, but “Crabs on your organ” is.

Dixie Swim Club was a splash hit

by D. Bob Sauer
The instant the five women who compose the cast of the Dixie Swim Club open the front doors and enter the stylish digs of Perfect Presentations – Prime Time Dinner Theatre, they are already a transformed persona.

Director Monty Witt has had his actors being, not acting, these roles since rehearsals started some six weeks before. By insisting that everyone stay in character through every blocking exercise, through every dialogue read, through every phone call home, through every coffee and potty break, has clearly paid off.

The characters in this wonderfully clever comedy production fit together seamlessly in the June 18-26 run at the Neenah-based theater. There was no doubt that during our chatty interviews at rehearsal and the performance itself that:

Vicki Thoma IS bubbly, slightly naive Jeri Neal.

Amy Molinski IS sarcastic, three-olives-for-lunch Dinah Grayson

Kris Isham IS an organized, buff Sheree Hollinger

Nanette Macy IS so much a sexie-Lexie Richards

Michelle Lepac IS the accident-ready-to-happen Vernadette Sims

Together they are the Dixie Swim Club whose friendship was forged decades ago as members of the same college swim team. A long, kick-back weekend every August recharges those relationships and the characters catch up with each other’s lives. The snappy dialogue between the perfectly balanced cast had the audience wiping away tears of laughter into the same tissue that would dab away tears of sorrow.

Bravo to the cast, crew and production staff for a memorable stage performance.

Upcoming Comedy Productions from Perfect Presentations:
July 15-17, 22-24: California Suite by Neil Simon
Aug. 12-14: Same Time Next Year by Bernard Slade
Sept. 17-18, 24-25: Social Security performed by the Jubricosa Theatre
Oct. 7-9, 15-16: There’s No Such Thing as Ghosts by James R. Lawrence
www.perfectpresentations.org

It’s brutal out there

By D. Bob Sauer

Hey yo, SCENE readership – Hola, gutentag, aloha, and what is freaking up? It’s great to be here.

Allow me to introduce myself both by name and mission.  As duly noted in my byline, I am indeed D. (as in dangerous) Bob (as in neutral buoyancy). I changed my name to Dangerous Bob in part because I thought it sounded cool – in part because I thought it sounded mysterious – but mostly because the ladies…they likee. I will admit, it’s working better than when I was Chlamydia Bob.

Every month, nestled warmly in the friendly confines of the Scene, Seriously Funny will take a serious look at things that are funny, and a funny look at serious stuff that is begging to be made fun of.

We hope to give you timely previews of upcoming comedy-related gigs including, but not limited to, area stand-up, improv, plays, productions big and small, and what happens when you take a professional clown to a buffet – that kind of thing – in central Wisconsin and Lakeshore venues.

Area social and political nuances will also be explored as needed and no expense will be spared in bringing clarity to otherwise bewildering phenomena.  I’m already looking forward to my interview with Appleton Mayor Tim Hannah’s barber.

I feel fortunate to have landed this newspaper opportunity because, as we are all keenly aware, the job market is brutal out there. Believe me, I’ve been checking, and all the really cool jobs like brewmaster’s assistant, massage parlor towel boy and adult film stunt double are already taken. As I perused the Workforce Development career list, I found a few area openings that seemed potentially suitable for a person with my skill set. They are, in no particular order:

Mid-Western Confectionary Corp.: looking
for experienced fudge packer to work in specialty chocolate shipping department. Must be able to work standing up or at least leaning forward for a full 8 hours.

Navarino Game Farm: person needed to help process game birds that have been harvested during controlled hunts. Must be polite and extremely cordial to clients and staff, a real “Pheasant Plucker.”

Gynecological and Proctology Associates – several openings.
Beekeepers Apprentice: funnel boy needed to assist head honey dripper for daily bee milking duties. Must speak fluent Amish and exhibit no visible auto-immune symptoms.

Fox Valley Hydroponics: technician needed to turn lights on and off at random intervals in basement “vegetable” growing operation. Must be willing to work rotating 24-hour shifts and promise to never take work home with them.

I interviewed for all these positions, and in all honesty, I thought I really nailed down the one for being the bee keeper’s bitch. But, alas, nothing.

Rest assured, however, Seriously Funny will bring you the poop and nothing but the poop, so help me, every month to enlighten your comedic sensibilities. If you think there’s something funny about a local law enforcement agency who can’t decide if an area gunshot death was murder or suicide because they can’t find the gun – let me know – I’ll check. If I get an assignment to dumpster dive behind the cosmetic surgery clinic, you can trust that I’ll keep you abreast.

Next Issue: Flounder’s revelation that it was actually pretty awesome to go through life fat, drunk and stupid.

JUNE COMEDY

Skyline Comedy Cafe, Appleton, skylinecomedy.com: Dave Huntsberger, June 2-5; Jessi Campbell, June 9-12; Daniel Kinno, June 16-19; Mike Stanley, June 23-26

Comedy Quarter, Neenah, comedyhquarter.com:
Jim McCue, June 2-6; Drew Thomas, June 9-13; Michael Mack, June 16-20; Todd Yohn, June 23-27

Drew Hastings & Scott Dunn: Tanner’s, Kimberly, June 10.

House of Valdar, Green Bahy, houseofvaldar.com: Rio Hillman & Kevin Cahak, June 19.

Denis Leary, Riverside Theater, Milwaukee, June 17.

Aziz Ansari, Pabst Theater, Milwaukee, June 18.