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Burt Klein, lurking in the shadows of fame By Benjamin Cloyd Burt Klein, Jazz Vampire . . . I honestly have no idea how to introduce this guy so what the heck, just read this freakin’ article . . . Benjamin Cloyd: Who and What is the Jazz Vampire? Burt Klein: First of all pally, it’s VAMPYRE, not vampire. I want somebody fired. Check your sources, I’m old skool... I’m known as The Greatest Entertainer in the Universe…the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow, and the cat’s pajamas. My act has been described as: cruel, skanky, high falootin’, moronically seductive, full-bodied, painfully amusing, and utterly adorable. BC: When did Burt Klein begin to play? BK: I was turned into a creature of the night over 600 years ago and began my career in making people laugh and cry shortly thereafter. I have had my teeth in the creative vein of EVERY form of popular music…classical, world, jazz, hip-hop, metal, bluegrass, crunk, funk, country, and especially all things smooth. Sadly, I have received NO credit for my work, ideas, or immense talents! I’ve been robbed!!! BC: How has Burt’s music affected the world and possibly the universe? BK: Collaborating with (read as, RIPPED OFF BY) so many “so-called” musical geniuses over the last 6 millennia …like Mozart, Beethoven, Duke Ellington, Charlie Parker, LL Cool J, Burt Bacharach, Michael Jackson, Phil Collins, James Brown, Van Halen, Jessica Simpson, and countless others…you’d think I might share in their immense influence and success…blah, I’m lurking in the shadows of fame. BC: You actually know all of these incredible, legendary stars? BK: Know them? KNOW THEM?!! I made them son. For example, ya ever heard of Lionel Richie? That maggot was trying to play funk with the The Commodores until I told him to get smooth and go solo. He cried when I gave him the lyrics for “Three Times a Lady”. Oh, “We Are The World” was all my idea too…and the hip-hop collaboration “We’re All In The Same Gang.” How do you think they got all of those fools together at one time? BtotheUtotheRtotheT. BC: How would you describe Burt’s wedding gigs? BK: Painful, hide your bridesmaids…on second thought you had better hide the bride as well…and grandma. Why a couple would hire my ass for their wedding reception is beyond me. Somebody always ends up in tears…usually the groom. Once a bride had the ovaries to tell me at her wedding, “Burt, get over yourself.” I told her very directly, “Read your contract honey. The Jazz Vampyre never gets over himself, not even on your special day.” True story… BC: What about the rumor that Burt Klein Jazz Vampyre is actually Downtown Oshkosh resident Kurt Stein? BK: Complete bunkum. Stein is my local booking agent, and a total fool…some might even call him my b*#ch, I know I do. I’m pissed at him right now for making me do this stupid interview. BC: Where has Burt played? BK: I have played all over the world…in the rankest, dankest, stankest dives you can imagine. Back alley gigs, bordellos, roadhouses, church picnics, prisons, Peabody’s, and Lincoln’s presidential bedroom to name a few. BC: What is your band like? BK: I use whatever monsters, fools, and freaks I can dig up at the time. Wolfmen, flashers, corpses, crazy clowns, and kittens have all been used. A drummer, upright bassist, pianist, and saxman is the usual lineup…I sing, like a tortured angel…and usually perform some mind-altering solos on guitar, accordion, and clarinet. I must warn you, the sound of my voice is listed as a weapon of mass destruction by the Office of Homeland Security. BC: Where will Burt play? BK: This October you can catch Burt Klein Jazz Vampyre and His Arkestra of The Undead for a couple of very special Halloween shows… Thursday, Oct. 30, I will be at Oblio’s on Main St. in Oshkosh for an appearance with The Oshkosh Players Club. Come dress up, get sauced, get frisky, and get yelled at and abused. Doesn’t that sound like fun? On Friday, Oct. 31, All Hallow’s Eve…you can catch us if you are lucky, at The Waters in Oshkosh by Menominee Park. They are turning the building into a haunted mansion. There will be great food, drinks, old horror movies, a costume competition, DJs from The Tunawax crew, and yours truly. BC: What can we expect out of a Burt Klein Halloween show? BK: Make sure you take your medication, because these shows are emotional rollercoaster, some might even call it therapy… Just like professional dominatrix gives her customers what they need, pain and humiliation…I do the same thing, backed by a badass band. So feel free to bring your leather and/or pleather ladies. You’ll laugh so hard you’ll cry, you’ll cry so hard you’ll reach orgasm. For Jazz Vampyre booking info and more on the man contact Kurt Stein via kurt@feverpitchfever.com
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